Lord I Want It But I Don’t Know How


How one overcame the hurdle of fear and doubt to recieve the gift of the Holy Spirit

Staring in the mirror I question why I continually try to rationalize God’s power.  I want more of God but I can’t seem to grasp the concept of how He does such wonderful things.  I don’t know…maybe I’m not ready to take that step.  My name is Melissa and for the past four months I have been living my life according to the Word of God.  I realize that’s not a long time but I have to start somewhere.  I’ve accepted Him as my Lord and Savior, I’ve been baptized in Jesus’ name, now I must receive the Holy Ghost.  No matter how hard I try I just can’t seem to tap into that “Holy place” others tap into when they receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.  Every time my pastor ask if anyone needs to be filled with the Holy Ghost my heart starts pounding uncontrollably and it’s hard to swallow.  On one hand, I feel it is something I need to do then, on the other hand, I feel like I should put it off.  But how long can I walk around as an empty vessel?  The saints around me can go so deep into worship that every sound from their mouths is the utterance of tongues.  Maybe I should go to the altar next Sunday and state my desire for the Holy Ghost.  No, no, no because people are going to be watching me and I can’t have that.  Dang it Melissa, just get it together, we need this or at least that’s what they say right?  I know what I can do!  I’ll just pray everyday asking to receive it and then I’ll Google techiques on how to tap into that “Holy place” so I too can have God’s spirit inside of me.  *Sighs* This is bull!  I’ll get it when I get it.  If God wanted me to have it, then surely He would give it to me.  As a matter of fact, I heard that God will give you the Holy Ghost when you are ready, so apparently I’m not ready. 

…That following week Melissa continued to pray for the Holy Ghost…and the week after that…and the week after that.  Desperately she Googled ways to open her mind to receive it and came up with nothing.  There was no rational answer as to how one receives the Holy Spirit besides having a repentant heart.  Sunday after Sunday Melissa went to the altar searching for that “Holy place” only to leave church once again as an empty vessel.  She couldn’t focus on God because she was too busy focusing on others; What they were doing, what they were saying, how they were acting causing her to miss God every time.  She failed to realize that one must have a heart of repentance and sincerity then, God will fill them with His Spirit and the evidence will be tongues.  There is no techique.  If you can’t seem to receive the Holy Ghost, like Melissa you may have a case of unnecessary mental blockage; looking for a “Holy place” that doesn’t exist.  You can’t google your way into God’s presence.  You have to step outside of yourself and remember that we all need the power of the Holy Ghost and submit yourself to God.  If you knew you were going to die tonight you would be stretched out on the altar trying to get as much of God as you could, not caring who saw you.  That same mind frame is needed even now.  I, myself am working on adopting this same mentality.  Needless to say, one Sunday Melissa’s pastor really touched her heart with his sermon.  During altar call she made her way to the front with tears in her eyes and a tender sincere heart.  With her arms stretched wide,she cried out to God and the utterance of tongues shot out of her mouth before her pastor could even touch her.  From that day forward, Melissa understood that God isn’t a figure of our imagination but He is real and so is His Spirit.  All a person needs to do is study to know Him and what He wants and how He operates is the Bible…not Google. 


Acts 2:38 Then Peter said unto them, Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.




“Everything That Glitters Ain’t Gold”

A mini story of how one discovers that God’s way is the right way

*Ring. Ring.*  “Hello?” Alexis answered.  “Hello, beautiful.  How’s my girl day going?” Deon asked.

Sighing, Alexis responded “Baby things are so stressful in the office today and I have a pile of paperwork to complete before I get off.”

“Well, don’t you worry about that sweetie I have a beautiful evening planned out for you tonight that’s going to blow your mind” Deon replied.  “Really Deon?  What is it? Tell me.  Tell me!” Alexis demanded full of excitement.  Laughing Deon responded “I’m not telling but I will tell you that tonight will be a night you will never forget.  Have I ever let you down before?” he asked.

“No, you haven’t that’s why I’m so excited!  Ohh, Deon I love you so much!  You always manage to keep a smile on my face” Alexis said.  “That’s my job baby, now get back to work while I finish preparing everything for your special evening.  It’s all about you tonight and I love you too girl” Deon replied before he and Alexis said their goodbyes.

Alexis felt like the luckiest woman on earth.  Out of her thirty-four years of living and countless relationships she had finally found a man who treated her like a queen.  She met Deon at the supermarket a year ago when she accidentally ran him over with her basket.  He was such a gentleman, full of charm and charisma.  They exchanged numbers and have been inseparable every since.  After three months of dating she decided to introduce him to her parents who approved of their relationship until they started “shacking up.”  Her God fearing mother believes it is better to do it God’s way than your own way but Alexis isn’t feeling that at all.  Why should she wait until marriage when Deon is such a good man?  Of course Deon didn’t want her parents to dislike him or their relationship and offered to move out but Alexis wasn’t having it.  There was no way she was going to allow her “Bible toting” mother to step in the way of her relationship.  Besides, the talk of marriage and a family had finally come into the picture so it shouldn’t matter at this point anyway.  Once they say “I do” they will be back in the will of God and everyone will be happy, Alexis thought.

“Oh my God!!  What if tonight is the night that Deon decides to propose?” Alexis asked herself as she sat in her cubicle, twirling around in her chair.  Five o’clock can’t get here fast enough she thought anxiously.

Five o’clock finally rolls around and Alexis rush to clock out.  Once she pulls into her driveway, she takes a few seconds to practice her ‘surprise look’ for when Deon proposes.  After deciding on the perfect reaction, she makes her way to the front door.  As soon as she opens the door, she is greeted by the aroma that the candles are giving off and jazz music playing in the background.  The thick curtains are blocking the sunlight, leaving the living room dark, the only light coming from the many candles neatly placed around the room.  A note at her feet instructs her to follow the direction of the rose petals, which first leads her to another note on her coffee table.

“Take off your heels and put on the slippers directly under the coffee table and follow the rose petals into the kitchen”

Taking off her heels as the note instructed her to, Alexis is about to burst with excitement.  She can hardly wait to see what Deon has up his sleeve this time.  Following the rose petals led her to the kitchen stove where a meal was prepared of lobster and salad, a simple meal that Alexis absolutely loved.  Next, to the stove on the counter was another note:

“I hope you are pleased with the meal I have prepared for you.  Lobster, your favorite right?  Grab your plate and dine at the table.  There should also be a chilled bottle of wine on the table ready for you to pop open.  I know you’re excited but it gets better.”

Oh, wow Deon has out did himself this time.  He knows how much I love lobster, Alexis says out loud to herself.  She wonders if he’s in the back hiding as she enjoys her meal and wine.  As she’s eating, she can’t help but notice how much wax has burned on the candles.  Hmm, that’s interesting, that crazy boy probably lit these candles way ahead of time.  Giggling to herself, she thought about how silly Deon could be.  After finishing her meal she quickly grabbed the next note off the dining table…

“I hope you enjoyed that baby and don’t worry dessert is on the way.  Follow the rose petals into your bathroom 😉 “

Squirming, Alexis contemplate on forgetting all about those stupid notes and diving straight into her bed but she wants to take a bath first and brush any possible lettuce out of her teeth.  Approaching her bathroom, she noticed her bedroom door is closed and since her bathroom isn’t in her bedroom she knows she has to deal with the agony of waiting to see Deon on the other side of the bedroom door.  Picking up the note on the bathroom sink she begins to read:

“I picked up your favorite bubble bath from Victoria’s Secret.  Take it out of the bag and run yourself a hot bubble bath.  Take as much time as you need to, remember tonight is all about you.  Also, in the bag is a beautiful silk robe for you to put on after your bath…notice it matches your slippers.  Once you finish you can head into the bedroom for the big finish 😉 “

“Hmph, and my mama said what we’re doing isn’t right.  Child please, if loving Deon is wrong, I don’t want to be right!”  Stepping  in the hot water after doing as the note instructed, Alexis is on fire.  This bath won’t be taking long at all!  She lays back in the tub and soak as she munchies on the chocolate covered strawberries Deon has provided.  Fifteen minutes later, Alexis is in her robe heading into her bedroom.  She’s too excited to even dry off, so her robe is sticking to her like glue.  “Deon, baby where are you?  I can’t take anymore notes” she yelled out.  There was no answer, only a note on her bed surrounded by more rose petals.

“Alexis baby, I’m sure by now you realize I’m not there and no I won’t be showing up anytime soon.  I hope you enjoyed the little nightcap I put together for you.  It’s the least I could do after the year we have had together.  I must say out of all the women I’ve had since discovering I was HIV positive you were the best one.  Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that when I first met you but you know how that is…Well, at least you do now.  I mean, what can I say?  I’m not dying with this thing alone.  Don’t waste your time looking for me, by the time you see this I’ll be on a plane heading to elsewhere.  Have a nice night! 

PS. You may want to get check.

Alexis dropped to the floor screaming hysterically.

And the moral of this story is simple, Do It God’s Way. I hope you enjoyed the read!

Jeremiah 18:10  And if it do evil in my sight and does not obey me, then I will reconsider the good I had intended to do for it.


Inner Thoughts

Alone in a place that I don’t understand
Who really has the patience to reach me?
I speak and all I can hear is an echo!
Hard exterior, yet so timid and fragile
Who really has the patience to reach me?
Misunderstood at its finest
On the outside looking in, who knows what they sees? Not I.
Looking in the mirror, I can’t see past me.
The outer shell is all that appears to me.
Day to day struggles with internal issues, while surrounded around others lashing out towards me because of their own internal issues.
How can I ever find my way?
Lost in a mind that has been trying to sink me for years yet, I remain standing.
Who really has the patience to reach me?
Confusion! Why?!
Walking in blindness but continually find my way
I want to fall apart but His grace is holding me together.
They say”hold on, I’ll get better one day”
But who really has the patience to reach me?

First Time

Love~ a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person

Lust~ intense sexual desire or appetite/A passionate or overmastering desire or craving

Now that the two are defined and there is clearly a difference, allow me to begin.  Everyone has a first time at something.  Some of those things are worth remembering, some are not.  One of the things that most people remember is their first love.  The way he or she smelled, the way they smiled, the way they walked or that stupid habit they had that got under your skin.  As time passed, a new love was discovered and you may have realized that this one is better than the first.  Sometimes relationships just don’t work out and people are forced to move on.  But what happens when you get stuck on that one person?  It always seem as if you get stuck on that one who doesn’t want to get their act together, or the one who doesn’t want anything serious or better yet the one who simply doesn’t want you “like that.”  Here’s a story about a girl and her first time…experiencing true love.

Teresa was a good girl with a good heart.  Although, she was no angel she still could be considered a pleasant individual.  She caught feelings for this attractive guy, who reputation was the complete opposite of hers.  Overtime however, he calmed down and started making better decisions but he still had a long way to go before he was what she needed him to be.  She loved him with all her heart and cherished the ground he walked on.  Teresa believed she could conquer anything with him on her side.  Then, one day he broke it all off at once, she suddenly wasn’t what he wanted.  His explanation was he wanted to be alone, because Teresa loved him so she supported his decision even though it broke her heart.  Unfortunately, he found someone else a few months later, crushing Teresa to pieces.  She watched him jump from one relationship to the next.  In between his relationships he would develop a close bond with Teresa, causing her feelings to deepened.  Deep down she just wanted him to realize that she was all he needed.  Whatever he needed she was willing to give…as long as it didn’t collide with her morals, she did have a little sense, but he would never give her the love she wanted.  After he jumped in his last relationship sending Teresa’s world crumbling down, she gave up.  She decided to be celibate and turn her life over to God because she was tired of being rejected.  She was tired of hurting.  She was tired of lusting over what she thought was love.  Teresa stepped out on faith and started to build a relationship with one who gave his only begotten son because He loved her so.  She realized how powerful lust was and how it had captivated her heart making her believe she was in love.  Now, for the first time she feels protected and stable.  She understands that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28).  For the first time, she is experiencing true love and its with her Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. ❤ ❤

Psalm 36:7  How precious is your steadfast love, O God! The children of men take refuge and put their trust under the shadow of your wings.


The Devil That Sits on The Front Pew

Monica is a tongue talking, worshipping sister who knows the Bible from front to back but can’t seem to mind her own business.  She has no respect for anyone who isn’t on her team of causing hell.  From a distance, Monica’s clothes look white as snow, her skin has an angelic glow and she glides gracefully around the church.  The closer she draws to a person however, her appearance slowly changes.  Her clothes begin to look dingy rather than pure white.  The glow that was once angelic from a distance begins to fade terribly, even her laugh sounds demonic.  Let’s not forget Richard, who is very involved with his church and nothing happens without him knowing it.  He speaks in tongues and is known for being the center of attention whenever a praise break erupts.  However, he is also known for his corruptive behavior.  He is easily angered, lives an adulterous lifestyle, and secretly competes with his Pastor.  Richard is no joke!  From the outside looking in he’s a man of God but for those who look beyond outer appearances, he can be considered satan himself.  Oh, but what about Charles, the homosexual male who is married with three kids?  Everyone knows he’s a little ‘suspect’ but there is no solid proof.  Although, the twitch in his walk along with his feminine nature is enough to make anyone question his sexuality.  But of course just like Monica and Richard, Charles claims to be a faithful child of God.

It amazes me how the devil can sit right next to you on a pew in the church!  He’ll smile at you, shake your hand, claim to pray for you, all along having a hidden agenda.  Then again, his agenda isn’t hidden at all the Bible clearly states the enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy but how did he get inside the church?!  There was a time when I thought that all I had to do to get away from the devil was go to church.   WRONG!!!! Now, he greets you at the door with a smirk.  There are numerous cases of perversion, hate, gossip and everything else you can think of that’s inappropriate for the house of the Lord.  Don’t be fooled by those who dance until they fall out because  some of those same people are operating off of spirits that’s not of God.  It’s none of your business how the next person is making it, just know that those who worship in spirit and in truth, living to please God will be taken care of.  Stop spreading your legs on Saturday night, then limping in church on Sunday morning with the audacity to be offended when the Pastor step on your toes for your misconduct.  Stop telling your wife you’re working late but in reality you are in a cheap motel stretched out wider than a female, enjoying your homosexual lifestyle.  Some of these little devils take off running in church at the speed of lightening, as if they really know how good God truly is but leave out the church cursing under their breath; they gone run straight to hell with that same lightening speed!  Watching porn on your cell phone right before you walk through the church doors and expect somebody to shake your hand during fellowship o_0  Oh, it just got real!  Let’s go a little deeper…Some of these no good devils are in the church eyeing the small children with lustful eyes.  Oh, and I can’t forget about those who club, drink, smoke, pop pills, and gamble then come to church and be super Holy, with the excuse that God knows their heart.  Yeah, He knows your heart better than you do and He knows how sincere you really are as well as what’s more important to you.  Our world is so corrupted that it is simply shameful to our creator.  It’s different if you are struggling and trying to live right, praying to the Father daily to be delivered.  But these so-called “Christian warriors” who consistently play with God, better wake up and pick a team because my God is a jealous God.  You cannot serve two masters.  Either you will hate one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other.  You cannot serve both God and mammon (Luke 16:13).  Pastors need to stop allowing this foolishness to happen amongst their flock and the church need to stop allowing these Pastors to be Pastors if they’re not living accordingly.  Some preachers lay hands in the wrong areas, talking about a healing. PREACH!!  If you are reading this and find yourself offended you may be guilty of being a Monica, Richard, Charles or just a devil in general, either way it go God has seen EVERY SINGLE THING you have done and are doing right now!  He knows your heart even when man doesn’t and if I were you I would repent sincerely and ask God to deliver me and have His way in my life in any way He chooses.  He can make a better way for us than we ever could.

Revelation 21:8  But the fearful, and unbelieving and the abominable and murderers and whoremongers and sorcerers and idolaters and ALL liars shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimestone: which is the second death.

Isaiah 29:13 Wherefore the Lord said, forasmuch as this people draw near me with their mouth and with lips do honour me, BUT have removed their heart far from me and their fear toward me is taught by the precept of men.