Looking into Parris eyes, I know what I’m about to say is going to break her heart. It feels like a frog is stuck in my throat as I try to squeeze the words out. Parris and I have been seeing each other for a year now but I cannot continue on with this relationship. Here I am, a so-called Christian yet, I’m carrying on as if I’ve never step foot in the church and heard the gospel. I have deep feelings for Parris but I know what we’re doing isn’t right. The sad part is that I love every minute of it and she’s fully aware of that. I’ve found myself in this exact situation several times where I’ve attempted to stop this charade but was unsuccessful. It’s hard to put an end to something you enjoy. It’s hard to hate what you love and I find myself bouncing between the two. One minute, I hate the wrong that I’ve done and the next minute I want more of it. Parris is my drug, she’s my addiction…an addiction that can send me straight to hell if I don’t get a hold of myself.
We met at a church picnic where she slipped me her number. I knew at that very second I was going to call but I tried to convince myself I wouldn’t. Nothing but sexual desires came over me when I looked into Parris eyes so I knew I was headed in the wrong direction yet, I couldn’t stop; I didn’t want to stop. I knew what I was doing and I wanted to do it. A week passed by before I made the call. We hung out and did exactly what we both wanted to do from day one and I had no regrets. I tried to force myself to feel bad but failed miserably. Now, a year later and I can’t do this anymore. It’s draining me, causing much stress and unhappiness. My parents found out what I’ve been doing and were livid. I can’t say I blame them and it doesn’t help that I’m 17 and Parris is 20 years old.
Taking a deep breath, I prepare myself to release Parris and my lustful desires for her.
“Parris the reason I asked you to meet me is because I have something to share with you” I said slowly.
“Oh boy, here we go again. I guess you’re dumping me for the fifteenth time” she said with a sly grin.
“Yeah Parris, as a matter of fact I am. You know I was not raised like this and what we are doing is wrong. My parents found out and are extremely hurt by my actions” I informed her.
Rolling her eyes, she replied “Cody you can’t live your life for your parents. You should do what makes you happy and I do make you happy right?
I should have never picked the lake as a place to meet up but it’s our spot when we want to be alone. Plus, I figured if Parris became loud and belligerent no one would see it. However, it’s not looking like such a good idea as she trace her finger down the side of my neck.
Snatching her hand down I replied, “Parris it’s over, I’m done. Don’t call me, don’t text me, don’t inbox me, just stay away from me.”
Picking up on my seriousness, Parris bucked her eyes. “Cody this is ridiculous! Will you stop it? In a few months all of this will be put to rest and we can eventually move somewhere else together where no one knows us. Hey, you can even do your church thing too” she stated with no remorse.
This is what I hated about Parris, we were always on different pages except when it came to sex. Here I am trying to turn to God sincerely and she’s being her typical self, a heathen, but who am I to talk?
“Parris you’re not understanding me. I…Am…Done!” I stated sternly.
“Cody please don’t do this! I can change, I’m going to change. I only have three more months until the big day” Parris said.
“Parris! Getting a sex change does not make you a woman in my eyes! Don’t you get that? What we are doing is wrong and God is not happy with us” I yelled out of frustration.
“You can say whatever you want, when I get my sex change operation I will officially be a woman! You’ve been calling me your girl but now all of a sudden “you’re so holy” and want to say I’m a man” Parris replied angrily.
“You are a man! What the heck are you talking about?! Just because you are feminine that does not mean you are a woman. You stand to pee just like I do” I said.
“It never bothered you before! You know what, I don’t know why I’m arguing with you. It’s not like you are going anywhere, nothing will change. You’re going to go to church on Sunday, cry and boohoo, talking about how bad you feel and by Tuesday we’ll be laid up together. So, go ahead sweetie, do you” Parris said with much attitude.
“That’s where you’re wrong. I won’t be doing any of that because I’m done” I said before walking off to get in my car.
Parris was so angry she…well, he started throwing rocks at my little two door Honda and cursing like a complete psycho. My tires screetched loudly as I left him in the dust.
Tears streamed down my face as I felt the release of closing that door in my life but why does something inside of me desire to keep it open? I had disappointed my entire family, as well as myself. I have no clue as to how I developed these lustful desires. All I know is that I don’t want them any more. I hate how easily I have sinned against God and how much embarrassment it has caused me. Yet, a part of me still wants to go back but I can’t, I refuse. God I ask that you help me be the man you called me to be. Forgive me for my sins and help me not fall into temptation. Deliver me, cleanse me, purify me father.
Cody decided that day that he would no longer live a homosexual lifestyle and pursued God with everything in him.
1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.